Costa Rica - Day One
Wow. It was a bit of an ordeal getting here, but it surely has been magical. The air travel went flawlessly. Although it was a relatively full plane, my neighbors were quiet and kind. I have to say I did feel challenged during several moments of the 3.5 hour bus trip to the beach, but I neither had to pee on the side of the road (as did many of my fellow travelers) or throw up. I consider that quite an accomplishment.
Whenever I come to a tropical location, it stirs this sadness in me about Haiti. My memories are so faded at this point, but I rationally understand that this is what Haiti would probably look like. I travel to all these locations and yet cannot go home. Being here gives me a sense of what it must have been like for my family living in this simple, connected, easy way. Most likely it did not feel simple at the time, but I know they look back and feel it was. I cannot help but ask – where is home and how do I get there?
It has been raining continuously. We got a sneak peek at sunshine for a short time after our arrival, and then down it came. (If we were in the US, I would have formulated some intricate weather-manipulation scheme by the government.) The rain is strangely comforting – similar to the feeling I had in NJ during all the storms. I am feeling the desire to be washed free of many things. Just as the rain clears the air, I am hoping it will cleanse me of my lingering toxicities. Just as the rain feeds the earth, I am looking for nourishment and replenishment of my reservoirs.
I have done so much work on personal improvement over the past 2 years, part of me feels that I should be ‘cured’. But I feel sometimes that I am even worse off. That a light has now been shined on all these issues that I so carefully buried locked away and refused to acknowledge. (Of course being surrounded by 26 health counselors who don’t let you get away with ANYTHIING also helps.)
So, here I sit in the lovely home I am renting, at 3am typing away at my computer. Perhaps trying to re-orient myself by engaging in ‘civilization’. I feel the draw to the water. I feel the draw to have moments of deep connection. I feel those urges to let loose and FEEL.
There is certainly comfort (ok, maybe just short term) in our illusions. To not know (or really, pretend to not know) is safe and easy. I find the situation of knowing, and still not doing, to be the most reprehensible. It is something I beat myself up about constantly. I work through my insecurity about fully implementing my learning, and constantly try to stave off the feelings that there is so much more to do. But on the bright side, I did start the day off bright and early.
A Powerful Life
And it actually pans out. Although I had been resisting the suggestion of my participation for a long time (years?), it has been quite helpful. It's part of my 'know-it-all' act that led me to claim I didn't need this type of coaching. But it's all an act, really. And that's what Landmark does - uncover all your phony baloney so you can move forward with the process of having a kick-ass life.
It's working. I did not fully let my guard down for the Landmark Forum course I took in June, but this one was different. I feel myself softening and starting to let go of some of the thoughts and behaviors I've been hanging onto like a life-raft. Except that the life-raft was attached to a lead weight that was just pulling me down and under. So I realized the fear, and was able to let go, only to find myself afloat. Wow!
I was able to accomplish something that had previously filled me with terror. Yes, a grown woman scared like a child. Embarrassing really, when you think about it. But anyway, I felt the fear and did it anyway. Part of me feels relieved, part of me is a bit incredulous that it actually happened.
Inspired by this experience, I committed to continuing with the next step in this education, a course called the Self-Expression and Leadership Program. It is designed to help you use the tools you've gained in authenticity, integrity and community-building to create something that expresses who you are in the world. Scary, exciting, formidable.
I am feeling the slight challenge of being home again, however. After 3 days and more than 40 hours of immersion in the world of clear communication, self-reflection and transformation, it is traumatic to return to dirty dishes, bounced checks and people acting how people act. Trying not to constantly react with the need to fix everything and everyone is my challenge. When one considers oneself broken the natural reaction is to fix others. How ridiculous is that!!
I have glimpsed the other side, not only through these courses, but through my yoga practice and my work with clients. Sometimes true connection with another person can demonstrate to you your own perfection, and through that, our universal perfection. It's not a matter of superiority. In fact, it's the understanding that no one is better, and also no one is worse. We are truly all one. I love how that works.
For whatever reason, this level of connection has always been hard for me. I would much rather be on a stage in front of thousands of people than looking into the eyes of just one. But that is my work, and that's why I am now on the path that forces me to feel and examine that response. During this weekend, after an exercise where we were forced to just be with another person, eye-to-eye, for what felt like an eternity (ok, probably just a few minutes) it became crystal clear that seeing someone automatically translates to love. We are all so used to assessing people, and not seeing them (lest they might actually see us!) that we block ourselves from connection. I should probably just speak for myself here, instead of trying to dilute it with the general 'we'. And I should probably stop saying should. Darn!
Anyway, I feel better prepared to handle life, while at the same time creating something blissfully authentic. I looked into the eyes of the tiger and learned that he is in me and I am in him. My life is purely mine for the making.
She's back...
OK, I know a 2.5 month hiatus from my blog is a bit crazy. And I don't really have a good excuse, like I was having extensive brain and finger surgeries. No, just the crazy wildness of life, the constant shift of priorities and just plain neglect. I hate to be the person who does not complete what she's started, but sometimes it happens. I hear so often how detrimental it is to have incompleteness in your life. I agree completely (no pun intended), yet I look around and can name too may unfinished items. There's the flooring piece I never ordered so that the flooring people could complete the job, there are the emails I needed to 'sit on' for a while, the hundreds of books I needed to read 'right away!', and of course my doctoral studies. Oh yeah, did I mention the book I'm writing??!!!
So, yes, the list is long. Hello dysfunction! Nearly everyday I discover some other facet of human-ness that is fairly non-functional. We all know we feel better when we complete projects, keep our word, and see commitments to the end. And yet we don't. I can get really bogged down in trying to figure out odd human behaviors. It is what I do. But the universal question of why did we evolve to so easily fall into habits/patterns/behaviors that clearly do not serve us remains unanswered.
I find great success in behavior modification with my clients, whether it's releasing ourselves from sugar addiction, learning to communicate with the challenging people in our lives or finding greater fulfillment in our endeavors. It's all about adopting a new mind-set and then taking action based on that clearer understanding. But, gosh, I would still like to know why it's so easy to adopt the not-so-great habits!! (And then, of course, why it's so easy to drop those good habits like hot coals.)
Having just returned from a fantastic weekend at Kripalu (kripalu.org), I do feel refreshed and able to take a stab at some items on my 'to-do' list that have been pushed down to the bottom for too long. I ended up spending a large part of the weekend in seated meditation, which brought so much clarity. I don't anticipate that I will ever live (or be satisfied with) an easy life. I like it a bit challenging with a good dose of crazy thrown in. I think it makes me better able to handle the issues of my clients. So, my job is to keep a handle on this rapidly boiling stew without burning myself.
When I find these moments of peace - in meditation, yoga practice, or just snuggling my daughter - it feeds me the energy I need to continue, but also helps to cut the haze so I can see what to do much more clearly. And sometimes that seeing means - "Get those half-done projects all done, sweety!! Stop putting off that hard decision or conversation." I know that things don't magically get done (or disappear) through ignoring them. But gosh, wouldn't it be nice...
The other insight I would like to share with you is the power of compassion, which can be used towards oneself as well as towards others. This means giving people (read: you) a break when you notice mistakes. It means approaching yourself with love and understanding about those things that bug you. Maybe even taking some time to investigate the root causes of resisting the actions that you know will have positive impact on your life. OK, sometimes tough love is needed, but that means something completely different than the barrage of insults we usually offer to ourselves. And love/compassion have this funny quality. When you start feeling either of them, they tend to expand. Which means the compassion you start to feel for yourself magically begins to envelope your loved ones (and not-so-loved ones). Soon, the energy of your own personal love factory touches all beings. Sounds like a big jump? Just try it. Think it's too hard or doesn't work? Call me...
By the way, if you're wondering how the rest of my cleanse went, by the second week I was rockin' and rollin'. I completed over 30 days, and felt great. I made a vow to do 1 week of cleansing every month this summer to maintain that juicy feeling. I would love to have some of you join me in the fall or next spring for the next cleanse group. I have to say everyone did really well, and are enjoying their light, happy summer bodies.
Actually, formal cleanse not even necessary. I am available year-round for personal and small group coaching. It can make a huge difference. Really.
41 years young
Although I had a wonderful night before, staying in a local hotel with my group of girlfriends, I now feel oddly sad. This feeling is not unusual for me, I suppose. So much of life is anti-climactic and disappointing. Perhaps that is why we strive for that union with spirit.
So often I am lifted by my practice, and supported by my faith, but diring times like today i realize how far I am from true self-realization. I don't imagine that being there looks like constant bouncy happiness, but I do imagine the 'hard' times are less angst-ridden.
This morning I am certainly not feeling any divinity as I plodge around the disastrously messy hotel room, cleaning up bottles, glasses, containers of food, trying not to wake up my still sleepy friends. If there were more space I would do an asana practice, but I can't even clear out a few feet. I thought about meditating, but I feel resistant. Maybe the first signs of a hangover coming on??
So I write. With a cute blue pen on hotel stationery (no computer with me). I think about the travelers who came through here, stayed in this room, and wrote letters to their loved ones. I write a letter to no one. Or maybe it's to myself?
Who actually listens to my musings? Where does change start - from a thought or someone hearling that thought? When I figure something out, where does that come from? Maybe I'm just getting philosophical in my old age.
The honeymoon is over
Well, it's been a while and I fear the initial blogging thrill is gone. I do believe in this practice and will try harder. I promise.
So, the topic today is our evolution (or de-evolution) from our childhood diets. At IIN, the presenter was Paul Pitchford, one of the leading thinkers and practitioners in food-based healing methods. He made a small comment about the fact that the food we eat today is in no way related to the food available in the pre-technological era, around 1940 and earlier. It's funny that people think of terms like organic, free-range and local as new-fangled, untested ideas. But they were actually the way humans have eaten for millions of years. There was no need to label or certify anything as organic before 1950, because everything WAS organic. No other options. But now people who've been going to the grocery store and buying the same items - meat, poultry, dairy, produce, packaged goods - are
taking home items that are almost completely un-related. Toxic fruits and vegetables, flesh from tortured animals, and dairy products from animals whose antibiotic and hormone levels would kill any human. And yet, we say OK. Although the organic movement is gaining momentum, it is certainly not the norm. It's a shame that food fit for eating is now this premium, elitist, trendy item.
I grew up on an interesting diet. Being from Haiti, the cuisine is influenced by many factors: the bounty of the Caribbean, the intense cooking methods and spices of the slave from Africa, as well as some French influence from colonization. This made for a nice variety of mostly healthful foods, a tendency toward home-cooked foods and away from processing, and even pride in creating delicious, well-balanced meals. But even that same meal of rice and beans, chicken with onion sauce, plantain bananas and watercress can no longer be counted on for its nutritional qualities. The rice has been stripped and polished of any nutrients, the beans have bee sprayed, then doused with additives so keep it fresh for a ridiculously long time, the chicken... (unimaginable). You get the idea?
I cannot help but wonder how we have allowed this to happen.
Groundhog Day - without all the hollywood stars
Alas, we keep moving...
Day 7 - and the cleanse continues
Yes, I've decided to continue past the 1 week mark. I haven't checked in with the others who started with me, but I feel that I need more time. Especially after the lesson I learned on the train. It's all about consciousness. Everything. Not just eating, but all of life. The lessons of the conference were distilled for me and given concrete meaning. Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit un-well and worried about the state of the classes at the studios. The storm had left many roads flooded and impassable. As it turns out, 1 studio was perfectly fine and the other completely blocked by a brand new lake. After spending a few hours trying to find a way in, I gave up, and cancelled all the classes. Very disappointing. I hope the town is able to do something quickly so I can resume business. Aaaah, the joys of being a business owner...
Since the weekend involved some more complex foods than I recommend, I decided I would do only steamed veggies today. (Still too cold to go raw.) It went quite well, even with the yummy cooking smells that filled the house. My nanny has apparently given up on the cleanse and is back to the world of grilled chicken, pasta and sausages, and ultra-buttery veggies. Did I mention the waffles? Yes, I feel like I have acquired the self-discipline of a saint. I ate a moderate amount, stopping when full, and tried my best to create celebration of each bite. Party on!
Zen and McDonalds French Fries
This was a hard day. I found it really difficult to stay on track and focused during this conference. I attended workshops from amazing people (Sharon Salzberg and Debbie Ford) who both did deep meditations. I kept catching myself falling asleep, which is not my usual meditation behavior. I got only about half as much sleep as I needed, and was feeling rather depleted by the combination of the cleanse and the horrible weather. I am so affected by the cold, which was made worse by driving rain. Oh yeah, they also kept the meeting rooms at the hotel insanely cold. I can't imagine when I will be able to shake this freezing feeling.
I continue to manage the hunger pangs, and have even decreased the total amount of food i've been eating (mostly due to availability really). Today I went for a lovely tomato soup from Westerly again. (Did I mention what a wonderful store it is? Totally jam packed floor to ceiling with stuff, a maze-like assortment of aisles and always crowded. I don't usually like these types of environments, but this one makes me remember the early days of health food stores, where they were still a bit 'crunchy'. Now they look like glammed-out super-centers. And of course, you need a decoder ring and sherpa to actually find the healthy food.) The flavor, texture and temperature of the soup were like nothing I can describe. As close to heaven as I've been in the past week, for sure. Bought some curried garbanzos and brown rice w/ veggies for the train ride home. Actually looking forward to it.
After making my way through the brutal storm trying to find a subway still running, I made it successfully to my train. I took my seat with a big sigh and was looking forward to completely chilling out. Across the aisle I noticed a middle-aged woman sitting on her own, holding a McDonald's bag. Of course I went into automatic judgement - "How could people be so careless with their health? Don't they understand the implications of their choices? Are they just mindless consumers?" Then I noticed that she actually had an interesting energy about her. Nice, calm, not unhealthy really.
Then the real clincher. I just started watching her eat. She would take a single french fry from the bag, hold it lovingly, maybe even admire it for a moment, then with the delicacy of an artist take just the right shmear of ketchup. She would take a small bite, chew and savor. It felt like an eternity until she would even take the second bite.
Of course I started thinking about how I eat french fries - in bunches, with globs of ketchup, with a speed approaching a feeding frenzy. No grace, no delicacy, just face-stuffing. I made myself chuckle, then was mesmerized by my train companion again. I swear it must have taken at least 30 minutes for Zen lady to finish eating her order of small fries. Each moment was beautiful, the experience somewhere between a meditation and a dance. She finished just as gracefully, and sat quietly for the remainder of the journey.
Perhaps it was my mostly dazed state, but I found this absolutely amazing. I had never seen anyone approach fast food in such a way. I started thinking if she lived her whole life with such deliveration, presence and care. Imagine what that would be like? Not only had Zen lady figured out how to make the lowliest meal grand, she had found the key to health. In my humblest opinion (and certainly validated by this experience) I believe that the foods chosen are secondary to how the food it eaten. In the Western, scientific approach, we have spent all our time studying and learning about the composition of foods, their biochemical effects on the body. It's all about proportions of fat, carbohydrate and protein, number of calories, even the interactions of foods with other foods. Nobody ever talks about the person doing the eating, and the situation in which the food is eaten.
The human body has definite requirements for proper digestion and nutrient assimilation. Stress, speed and distraction aren't anywhere on that list. In fact, they create a situation where digestion stalls or stops. So we eat without getting the nutrition from the food, and the body asks for more food.
Welcome to the state of the western world! But here was this lovely lady, travelling from NYC on a crowded train, creating a perfect ambiance for her digestive system. I couldn't have done it better myself. In fact, when I tried to eat my dinner, I didn't do it nearly as well. The person who had received all my negative judgement had actually turned out to be a finer example of my own teachings. How do you like that?
Being Fearless
I'm attending a 3 day conference in the city put on by the Omega Institute called Being Fearless. Something I signed up for ages ago, recently lost the fire to go, then got excited again. In preparation I took large luggage and filled it with salad greens. Very silly, since I was going to be in New York City!!! I ate it anyway, in addition to some lovely raw food I bought at Westerly Market.
I was in a full day intensive with Seane Corn (seanecorn.com), activist yogi extraodinare. I have been studying with her occasionally over several years, and I was delighted with her evolution as a yogi, her phenomenal work with YouthAids and her depth of knowledge. I always had the feeling she was just a young little thing, but it turns out she is my age! (That would be 40, by the way).
Her message was so in line with what I've been thinking and teaching. The separation between body and non-physical self (mind, spirit, emotion, etc...) is completely false. Its a fiction created by the ego, perhaps for control. I tell my clients all the time that all the experiences they are having in their lives are connected. So if they want to deal with their indigestion, they better be dealing with their relationships. If they want to deal with chronic back pain, they better look at work and money. It's all the same issue manifesting in the various realms so that we can't ignore. Seane's just had so many experiences that drive that point home. It really resonated with me. Even though I found the practice challenging in my body, it was very rewarding.
I have been thinking about who would be the next guiding voice in my evolution as a teacher and student of yoga, and I am feeling very attracted by her approach. I will look at some of her upcoming trainings and events.
She pretty much disregarded the printed schedule, and gave us our lunch break at 2pm. Yes, I was starving, but it did not disturb me energetically (yahoo!). I got this great juice (lemon, ginger, kale, celery, apply) and some veggies. It was too perfect for words. I am really pleased that my palate has adjusted to this degree of simplicity and feel that it's definitely a breakthrough.
Although I don't think there are any physical changes, I do feel lighter. I am eliminating better and enjoying the process. The spaciness is a bit much, but it's making me think that maybe the world will not come to a grinding halt if I'm not completely on task every minute of every day. Do you think???
Day Three - I'm OK, I think...
I read somewhere that the western diet has eliminated the sensation of hunger. and that's a bad thing. of course, on a global scale hunger is very bad. but we're talking about eliminating a whole sensory category here. hunger which precedes eating (as opposed to hunger which precedes more hunger) is an important signalling mechanism. I can't help but theorize that our inability to feel hunger also leads to our inability to feel full. I know I certainly get into phases where I associate hunger with death. I would do anything to avoid that feeling. And yet, when it happens, I learn over and over that it won't actually kill me. In fact it's not even unbearable. I'm not hypoglycemic, I won't pass out while operating heavy machinery, it will all be OK. Maybe that's the lesson here.
In the session I just had with my client, we explored the concept of portion control. It is amazing that so many people can exercise amazing discipline in many areas of their lives, and yet stuff themselves silly. Yes, I understand that we are trained as young children to ignore those digestive messages ("Clean your plate Sally!") and the food manufacturers have strong vested interests in creating products that over-ride our natural impulses. But come on! We all know that it feels bad to eat in this way, yet we continue. Sometimes I wonder if the human race is on some path to certain destruction. In a world where there are no accidents or coincidences, how have we come so far from the truth?
I've stepped off the pulpit now. Enjoying my kale and kimchee lunch. I was feeling so good around noon that i actually decided i may limit myself to 2 measly meals a day. Not today. Lunch happened at 3 because i couldn't stand one more minute of holding out. The food restriction will have to be enough for now.
Since i am teaching tonight, i packed a salad which i will inhale as soon as we rise from Savasana. (Trying not to break the rule about eating 3 hours before bedtime.) Also planning on getting a practice in before class.
No practice before class. Got too caught up in office work and ran out of time. That situation really is getting old. I know I am addicted to email, and I actually love the impersonal regularity of sitting in front of a computer for hours at a time. And I also know it is not doing my (literal) butt any good. When there is a continuously infinite amount of 'desk' work to do, when do you say STOP? When does the rest of life get a turn? Hmmm...
Speaking of desk work, I finally sent out my newsletter today, and got some immediate positive feedback. Love that! I like to write, and am pleased when people enjoy my musings. I just wish I could get a bit more regular about it. See, that incessant pull to get behind the computer...
My eating havits are really starting to adapt, and I am feeling both physically and emotionally satisfied with my vegetables and salads. My nanny ended up baking some beets and sweet potatoes. Although they are not strictly in the spirit of the cleanse, I could not resist. They are whole foods, for chrissakes!
So delicious I almost cried. That sweet, creamy experience ignited something in me. They are not even my favorite qualities for foods (I'm more a crunchy, salty girl myself) but in that instance they represented love and softness and just the slightest bit of naughtiness. What a combination!!
I feel confident that I will make it through the 7 days and am starting to chew on what I will do next. Maybe even a full liquid fast. Yes, I'm on fire!
