Feed Your Soul and CenterSpace Studios
A Day in the Life - Yogi, Mommy, Wellness Evangelist
A Year in Review
What?? Isn't it the middle of the year, you might ask? Well, yes. Still, as good a time as any to let you know what's happening.
It has been quite a year. Many of us are immersed in change, perhaps not the preferred kind, trying to find our way. For me, life has recently presented a great many challenges, and I would like to share some of my personal story with you.
I have experienced displacement from my home, as part of the break-up of my family, as well as the passing of loved ones, and the critical illness of close family members. My closest circle was confronted with frightening diagnoses, miscarriages, marital breakups and financial collapse. In this shower of events from the Universe, I found myself unable to do much more than take care of those who needed me the most. Each event and situation further sealed me into this out-of-control place, without perspective or light.
This recent change of seasons did not bring resolution, but the light has started to trickle in again. Slowly, but insistently, the world made itself available to me, as I opened myself up completely to what is. With the insecurity of a child learning how to walk, I find my 'legs', once again able to offer what I know I was meant to. I feel blessed to be offered a chance to re-commit to my intentions. I realize during this period that many people were neglected, as I failed to provide for the community I had so longed to create and nourish. I don't believe in regret - I believe we all do the best we can in any given situation - but I do wish that I could erase the disappointment, from others and in myself.
I want to express to you all the deepest, heartfelt thanks for playing your very important parts in my journey. Many offered compassion and support, many expressed frustration and discontent, many walked away. You were all important in guidng me in the journey I had to travel, and I continue to need your help. I realize I can't just do it all on my own (surprise!!). It's the weaving of many threads that creates fabric, as it is the coming together of so many beautiful spirits that creates a community - one where respect and compassion rule our actions. You may think we're all just here to do yoga, but I believe the Universe brought us all here for a much greater purpose, which we may discover on the mat, but whose fruits will extend limitlessly.
It has been quite a year. Many of us are immersed in change, perhaps not the preferred kind, trying to find our way. For me, life has recently presented a great many challenges, and I would like to share some of my personal story with you.
I have experienced displacement from my home, as part of the break-up of my family, as well as the passing of loved ones, and the critical illness of close family members. My closest circle was confronted with frightening diagnoses, miscarriages, marital breakups and financial collapse. In this shower of events from the Universe, I found myself unable to do much more than take care of those who needed me the most. Each event and situation further sealed me into this out-of-control place, without perspective or light.
This recent change of seasons did not bring resolution, but the light has started to trickle in again. Slowly, but insistently, the world made itself available to me, as I opened myself up completely to what is. With the insecurity of a child learning how to walk, I find my 'legs', once again able to offer what I know I was meant to. I feel blessed to be offered a chance to re-commit to my intentions. I realize during this period that many people were neglected, as I failed to provide for the community I had so longed to create and nourish. I don't believe in regret - I believe we all do the best we can in any given situation - but I do wish that I could erase the disappointment, from others and in myself.
I want to express to you all the deepest, heartfelt thanks for playing your very important parts in my journey. Many offered compassion and support, many expressed frustration and discontent, many walked away. You were all important in guidng me in the journey I had to travel, and I continue to need your help. I realize I can't just do it all on my own (surprise!!). It's the weaving of many threads that creates fabric, as it is the coming together of so many beautiful spirits that creates a community - one where respect and compassion rule our actions. You may think we're all just here to do yoga, but I believe the Universe brought us all here for a much greater purpose, which we may discover on the mat, but whose fruits will extend limitlessly.
In Tribute...
I stepped into my
first yoga class during the summer of 1992, atop a big hill in San
Francisco. The large room was filled with young, fit bodies who dropped
into prayer upon the first cue. As if being guided by an invisible
force, they all followed a choreographed pattern of movements unlike
anything I had ever seen before. As a dancer and fitness enthusiast, I
was certainly used to working my body, but this hour and a half moved
me from the inside out. This was an Astanga yoga class, and was the
initiation into the adventure that would eventually change my life
completely.
On Monday, Sri K Pattabhi Jois, the formidable and beautiful creator of this practice, left his body. Although I studied directly with him only a few times, his impact stays with me at the deepest level. Discipline, commitment, and consistency tempered by joyful exploration and breath, were the lessons I learned, not only through his own teachings, but via the vast legacy he created. Every one of my guides on this yogic journey has been touched by Guruji, either directly, or by those who chose the practice on their own paths.
The practice of Astanga lives and grows in a thriving community around the world. Even for those of us who were called to follow a different path, its lessons and beauty remain. I honor and thank you Guruji.
I arrived in New Jersey 10 years later, having gorged on yoga like a child in the most abundant candy store. It was different here, and I became convinced that there was no yoga to be found. A very special and important person changed that perception for me.
Jyoti Crystal, a powerhouse, a pioneer, and a truly graceful spirit, opened my eyes (and heart and body) to the infinite worlds of yoga lying outside the only one I knew. I was introduced to yoga as healing, yoga as community, yoga as right action, yoga as prayer and devotion. Jyoti challenged me, expecting nothing less than the best I could be. She taught me it is not enough to find satisfaction in a limber, able body, but to use my practice to explore the reaches of my thoughts and actions, as well as the softness of my heart.
Several weeks ago Jyotima surrendered her body to cancer, and her spirit to the Great Mother. Her loss is palpable. I am still amazed to find the extent of her reach. We in the NJ yoga communities have her to thank for so many yoga centers created by those under her wing, as well as the hundreds of yoga teachers blessed by her wisdom. We know you are still touching us Jyoti, and offer all our gratitude.
In reverence for the great among us,
On Monday, Sri K Pattabhi Jois, the formidable and beautiful creator of this practice, left his body. Although I studied directly with him only a few times, his impact stays with me at the deepest level. Discipline, commitment, and consistency tempered by joyful exploration and breath, were the lessons I learned, not only through his own teachings, but via the vast legacy he created. Every one of my guides on this yogic journey has been touched by Guruji, either directly, or by those who chose the practice on their own paths.
The practice of Astanga lives and grows in a thriving community around the world. Even for those of us who were called to follow a different path, its lessons and beauty remain. I honor and thank you Guruji.
I arrived in New Jersey 10 years later, having gorged on yoga like a child in the most abundant candy store. It was different here, and I became convinced that there was no yoga to be found. A very special and important person changed that perception for me.
Jyoti Crystal, a powerhouse, a pioneer, and a truly graceful spirit, opened my eyes (and heart and body) to the infinite worlds of yoga lying outside the only one I knew. I was introduced to yoga as healing, yoga as community, yoga as right action, yoga as prayer and devotion. Jyoti challenged me, expecting nothing less than the best I could be. She taught me it is not enough to find satisfaction in a limber, able body, but to use my practice to explore the reaches of my thoughts and actions, as well as the softness of my heart.
Several weeks ago Jyotima surrendered her body to cancer, and her spirit to the Great Mother. Her loss is palpable. I am still amazed to find the extent of her reach. We in the NJ yoga communities have her to thank for so many yoga centers created by those under her wing, as well as the hundreds of yoga teachers blessed by her wisdom. We know you are still touching us Jyoti, and offer all our gratitude.
In reverence for the great among us,
New Year already
It's January 3rd, and I still haven't come to terms with another year passing. Not that i was particularly attached to 2008, but I struggle with the meaning of time progressing. Given the fact that this human experience is finite, how do we make the most of what we've been given? How do we live every day, and every year, of our lives?
I was extremely challenged by 2008 in nearly every sense - physically, emotionally, financially, through business, relationships and personal balance. I saw great suffering in people I love, experienced failure and loss, and questioned nearly every life choice I had made. And yet, the year ended with a renewal of faith in humanity and a chance for change. I see it and feel it, but cannot shake off the blanket of sadness and disappointment.
The past few years have represented a period of some of the greatest changes in my life. I continue to feel the repercussions of decisions I made, sometimes questioning their 'rightness'. Looking at life through the rear view mirror is a sure way to paralysis. I feel it. Not quite sure how to right the wrongs, fix the broken and heal the hurt, I do nothing. I become a disembodied mind, working overtime to calculate the right answers. My beloved spreadsheets and matrices take up the time, and pretend at busyness, but don't actually accomplish anything. I keep being shown that the answers are not in the analysis, and yet, that's where i want to go, safe from having to make a decision or take action.
I feel strongly that I, and the rest of the world, are constantly being presented with possibilities and opportunities. It's not clear whether there are more so at this time than any other, but certainly the impetus to make more thoughtful choices fills me. Will it be enough?
I was extremely challenged by 2008 in nearly every sense - physically, emotionally, financially, through business, relationships and personal balance. I saw great suffering in people I love, experienced failure and loss, and questioned nearly every life choice I had made. And yet, the year ended with a renewal of faith in humanity and a chance for change. I see it and feel it, but cannot shake off the blanket of sadness and disappointment.
The past few years have represented a period of some of the greatest changes in my life. I continue to feel the repercussions of decisions I made, sometimes questioning their 'rightness'. Looking at life through the rear view mirror is a sure way to paralysis. I feel it. Not quite sure how to right the wrongs, fix the broken and heal the hurt, I do nothing. I become a disembodied mind, working overtime to calculate the right answers. My beloved spreadsheets and matrices take up the time, and pretend at busyness, but don't actually accomplish anything. I keep being shown that the answers are not in the analysis, and yet, that's where i want to go, safe from having to make a decision or take action.
I feel strongly that I, and the rest of the world, are constantly being presented with possibilities and opportunities. It's not clear whether there are more so at this time than any other, but certainly the impetus to make more thoughtful choices fills me. Will it be enough?
Pulling Weeds
I have been pulling weeds. I am 42 years old and for the first time in my life, I am spending a significant amount of time with my hands in and on dirt. There is nothing cute, novel or fun about it. In fact I hate every minute, and yet I am obsessed. Over the course of several weeks, I start my days on the grounds of the house that has become both mine and not mine. I pick and pull and pluck through cold spells and rainstorms. I kneel and stoop and crouch until my lithe yoga body bears a constant ache. I look at my delicate, graceful hands and think of an old farmers wife who traded in her name for the word ‘Ma’. She has no need for my fancy speeches on connecting with the earth. Her posture and fingernails say it all.
In those early hours I am free from distraction, alone with my task and my thoughts. I work with the focus of a Zen monk, hardly looking up for hours at a time. To view the enormity of it feels defeating. I can only just handle one clump at a time.
I think of all the habitats I have disrupted, and say a quiet prayer that those critters easily find new homes. I think of my house – no, best to keep my mind on my task. I hear Ma saying, in her no-nonsense voice, “Well dear, you reap what you sow”. “Yes, Ma” I say. I have sown these weeds, through years of denial and neglect. And now it’s time for uprooting, both these un-invited ground guests, and my life.
It’s so much harder now that I’ve let it get out of control. The disastrous marriage I let go on for far too long now takes all my fortitude to end. I dared not admit to the state of my property, or my union, for fear that it would make it impossible not to act. Like the stubborn dandelions, I dug in my heels and pretended I could stay forever. In the end he, (the other) won, his roots more unyielding than mine.
But now it’s all got to go. I am cleaning things up to sell this house, which I love and hate simultaneously. Leaving is the only option, the situation as toxic as the weed killers I refused to spray. Although I’ve moved on, my heart even finding a haven, my roots remain – in the form of my beloved child, the years we spent together as a family, and this house we created together.
I hope that those I’ve displaced find homes in a better place. I hope I find a spot to rest myself, and heal my blisters and sores, perhaps keeping a closer eye on the weeds.
A New Day, Some New Insights
I awoke to a beautiful Nevada sunrise. I'm sure there was hustle and bustle in the casino downstairs, but up in my room there was golden light and stillness. Through my window I could see the distant hills, the expanse of desert and infinite, clear sky. What a wonderful life.
This supported my decision to take it easy last night. I woke up a new person, ready to get the most of this conference. My morning classes were amazing, and brought me fully back in my body. I’ve also reconciled my earlier disappointment with my fellow yogis. It is a recurring lesson for me that a spiritual practice does not mean a spiritual life and great behavior. Conversely, it is such a blessing to find gods and goddesses all around, sometimes in the most unlikely places. I feel supremely grateful.
As part of the vendor show, an Indian man was offering Vedic palm, numerology and psychic readings. I do believe in these mystical powers, and also have a strong skepticism as I think most practitioners are phonies. I recently had my first encounter with a highly recommended psychic and was blown away. She was able to explain so many facets of my life that did not make sense. She also gave me some great insight about my current situation and future direction. It was one of the most worthwhile experiences I have ever had.
So, now that I'm a pro at this psychic thing, I decided to give this gentleman a try. He started with numerology, then a palm reading. I was careful to not give away any information about myself or my life, and yet he was able to describe my personality, talents and struggles. Pretty good, I thought. In general I got very good news about the future in terms of my business and family. I couldn't help but laugh when he described me as willful and obstinate, with the ability to be outrageous. (What!!! Who me???)
Seriously, it was all very positive and very powerful. My favorite part was when he called me a Warrior Sage Goddess! (And I didn't even have to pay extra for that.) Apparently, I was also either Abraham Lincoln, or had a relationship with him. Very interesting...
This supported my decision to take it easy last night. I woke up a new person, ready to get the most of this conference. My morning classes were amazing, and brought me fully back in my body. I’ve also reconciled my earlier disappointment with my fellow yogis. It is a recurring lesson for me that a spiritual practice does not mean a spiritual life and great behavior. Conversely, it is such a blessing to find gods and goddesses all around, sometimes in the most unlikely places. I feel supremely grateful.
As part of the vendor show, an Indian man was offering Vedic palm, numerology and psychic readings. I do believe in these mystical powers, and also have a strong skepticism as I think most practitioners are phonies. I recently had my first encounter with a highly recommended psychic and was blown away. She was able to explain so many facets of my life that did not make sense. She also gave me some great insight about my current situation and future direction. It was one of the most worthwhile experiences I have ever had.
So, now that I'm a pro at this psychic thing, I decided to give this gentleman a try. He started with numerology, then a palm reading. I was careful to not give away any information about myself or my life, and yet he was able to describe my personality, talents and struggles. Pretty good, I thought. In general I got very good news about the future in terms of my business and family. I couldn't help but laugh when he described me as willful and obstinate, with the ability to be outrageous. (What!!! Who me???)
Seriously, it was all very positive and very powerful. My favorite part was when he called me a Warrior Sage Goddess! (And I didn't even have to pay extra for that.) Apparently, I was also either Abraham Lincoln, or had a relationship with him. Very interesting...
The only disappointment was the psychic reading which was disjointed and unclear. Perhaps I just need to wait and see...
Crumble
Well, I was right about needing some rest. And wrong about going out anyway. After 2 challenging classes, the first with one of my favorite teachers, Rusty Wells, my body was done. (If you’re ever in San Francisco, you MUST go take his class. You and 100 of his adoring fans will sweat, sing and bring your body to places unimagined. And your heart will float in a warm pool of gooey love. It is pure bliss!) Although I felt spent halfway through the first class, not wanting to miss any part of this great opportunity, I persevered. (Note to self: no more late nights at the hot bars.)
I decided to try a short nap after lunch, before the last class of the day. Instead I was lured into my fabulous hotel bathtub, and missed class altogether. (Bad yogi. I missed Rusty's class, called Crumble, where he really goes for it, and you better be in top form.) I was definitely feeling crumbled, crushed and on the verge of collapse.
Although I felt guilty for wasting a chance at some great yoga, my afternoon blossomed beautifully. The bath really did hit the spot. I then spent the evening with my yoga community, watching an amazing demonstration by Shiva Rea, yogini extraordinaire, and singing with Steve Ross, a yogi and musician whose work I’ve always admired. The buzzing night life called to me, but I took a rain check. A good night’s sleep was sorely needed.
Rest, Work, Start Again
The conference is off to a slow start for me. Today, I chose to do a full day workshop on the business of yoga. I am so used to continuous movement during these events that it felt very strange to just sit and talk all day. My body really wanted to move. Some of the information was useful, some not so much. I find that I am often the most highly experienced person in the bunch, and have to fight the frustration of wanting more. It is a constant lesson to accept people where they are. The constant thoughts, "You are a yoga teacher! You should know this!" filled my head, usually about others, sometimes about myself. Just a reminder that no matter how advanced we are, there is always more work to be done.
I'm glad I'm here regardless. Tomorrow, I get to spend with some of my most beloved teachers, who will likely kick my butt. A day of rest was probably the best thing for me.
But then again, that cool purple bar in the middle of the casino was so much fun. Here we go!!
I'm glad I'm here regardless. Tomorrow, I get to spend with some of my most beloved teachers, who will likely kick my butt. A day of rest was probably the best thing for me.
But then again, that cool purple bar in the middle of the casino was so much fun. Here we go!!
Sniffles + Tissues = Service
I wake up sniffly. The bone dry air, and over air-conditioned rooms, are wreaking havoc with my sinuses. Not unusual for me, but still annoying. I travel down to the main section of the resort, amused by the enthusiasts still at the gambling tables at 6am. I choose The Original House of Pancakes as my breakfast destination. It has won numerous awards, famous for its baked apple pancake, which I order. This is not your typical fluffy pancakes covered with sautéed apples. Picture this: take a deep dish apple pie filled mostly with batter. Turn it over onto a large dinner plate. Serve. All of it.
This may have been the largest plate of food I have ever been served. I'm a good eater, but even my most valiant attempt made it through a small fraction of this thing. It was absolutely delicious, and would have fed my entire extended family easily. Might have one again tomorrow...
As I try to locate the registration area for the conference, I start to meet several of my yoga community members. Everyone is lost, confused, tired and grumpy. The stark difference in attitudes is shocking.
Yes, I am always surprised to run across mean, petty, dishonest yoga people. Then of course I have to turn the spotlight on myself and all those instances where those words could have easily described me. But I so want it to be different. I want pure spirits, kind hearts and open minds to be all that I see. Maybe I'll hang out with my Vegas friends tonight...
My sniffles caused me to use a huge amount of tissues. Nearly a whole box. When I returned back to my room after lunch, I noticed that the cleaning people had left several extra boxes of tissues for me. I just continue to be amazed at this level of service, and consciousness, really. I have stayed in many of the nicest hotels in the world, often with these very same sniffles. I have NEVER been provided with extra tissues before, even when I've emptied an entire box. The mysteries of Las Vegas continue to impress me.
The Conference - Yoga in Vegas
I have arrived. The resort, Green Valley Ranch, is absolutely magnificent, suitably removed from the main strip of casinos, but flanked by an assortment of restaurants and shops, including Whole Foods Market. I feel at home.
I start to sense that I have been mistakenly identified as a VIP. Although I am dressed in my typical travel gear - track suit, messy ponytail, and Vegan sport shoes (which are highly cute, if not by Vegas standards) - I am surrounded by beautiful, smiling people wanting to cater to my every need. (Did I mention I LOVE this place?!) The young man behind the desk raises his eyebrows as he tells me my room number. Apparently, it's a highly coveted location, typically only available by pre-arrangement. I am as surprised as he is, and when I arrive there, I understand what he meant. In a corner on the top floor of one of their towers, it offers an unbelievable view of the grounds and Las Vegas. I am certain it is much larger than many places I've lived.
Later on, as I am wandering around the property, I ask an older man in a dark suit for some directions. His Secret Service demeanor immediately dissolves as he takes my arm and happily walks me to my location. Finding out I have never been to their resort, he proceeds to give me a walking tour of the entire property, replete with 'insider' tips on best gambling tables, places to eat and hot spots. I keep trying to let him off the hook of having to be my personal tour guide, but he insists that I am the sole reason he has this job, and helping me is the highlight of his day. It leaves me speechless.
I decide to drop by one of the recommended hot spots for a drink. I'm still in my schlumpy travel gear, as un-glamorous as one can get. And probably looking more than a little bedraggled from my long day of traveling. Instead of the questioning looks I might have received entering a bar in any major city, I am embraced warmly. The sweet young woman who serves my drink couldn't be more accommodating. The group around the bar takes me into their conversations. They even decide that I need to learn how to play Poker, so they teach me. It was fine, but I think I disappointed them by not immediately falling in love with the whole gambling thing.
By the time I headed back to my room, my head was spinning. Not just from the long day and the drinks, but trying to figure out how the energy of a place like this works. It clearly does not represent pure living in the terms defined by my spiritual, holistic community. However, it felt good. I was happy, others were happy (and not that sickly sweet Disney happy that you know covers up seething anger and resentment). How does this work? Is it just a very well constructed facade? I start to feel silly and naive. But I can't shake the smile on my face, which is greeted by so many others as I pass.
By the time I headed back to my room, my head was spinning. Not just from the long day and the drinks, but trying to figure out how the energy of a place like this works. It clearly does not represent pure living in the terms defined by my spiritual, holistic community. However, it felt good. I was happy, others were happy (and not that sickly sweet Disney happy that you know covers up seething anger and resentment). How does this work? Is it just a very well constructed facade? I start to feel silly and naive. But I can't shake the smile on my face, which is greeted by so many others as I pass.
Vegas Baby!!
I am on my way to Las Vegas for a yoga conference. No, there were no typos in that previous sentence. The worlds of yoga and decadence will be meeting over the course of 4 interesting days. Outcome to be determined.
OK, it’s my dirty little secret. I LOVE Vegas!! I really do. (Even my daughter was conceived there, which you might consider too much information.) I have absolutely no interest in gambling and pass through the casinos only because I have to. (It's designed that way.) But something about that city just oozes fun for me. I love the fabulous restaurants, like having every major culinary city in the world distilled to a 1 mile strip. The shopping is stupendous, (and here I do exercise restraint) and I love Cirque du Soleil, which has a handful of phenomenal shows constantly running. I am amazed that the city even exists - including a major body of water created in the middle of a desert, unbelievable replicas of so many wonders of the world, and the draw to remain appealing to millions of visitors every year. There exists some of the best people watching I have ever experienced and the weather is my favorite - hot, dry, yummm.
Usually my experience with yoga conferences does not include much time for exploration of the host city. 8-10 hours of yoga/day leave one a bit petered out for intense sightseeing. But I wonder if the draw of Vegas will have me donning a little dress, big shoes and making my way to the big fun. This particular conference, The Art of Vinyasa, is located at a beautiful resort off the main strip. I am trying to envision a tranquil landscape and serene spa feeling. But all I'm seeing is the mini Eiffel Tower, the fountains at the Bellagio and lots of see-through clothing.
The city shines outside my airplane window, inviting me in as powerfully as a personally engraved invitation. I feel like this journey now represents the human dichotomy. How do we reconcile the good and the bad, the pure and the sexy, consciousness and neon? I don't really feel guilt about having these aspects co-habiting my body. It is my truth. Perhaps everyone's truth. But it does feel odd, and certainly something that requires explanation from time to time. (I'm not quite sure if my students and clients found this information about me refreshing or frightening!) I am enjoying the thought process, looking forward to some great yoga and glad I packed that dress. The one I could never wear anywhere else.
