It is very early in the morning as I sit in an airport diner with my daughter, on our way to a grand adventure - an Alaskan cruise. We are both bleary and excited. After rejecting several other dining options, we settle on this one - bright and cheerful, with a menu we can both appreciate. My eyes are riveted to the top of the menu, which reads "Special!!! Peanut butter banana pancakes". Even my daughter, although finding this combination absolutely revolting, comments, "Mommy, those are all your favorite things mixed up together".

I hesitate for a moment, questioning such decadence this early in the day. But then again, I am with my favorite person, on a perfect day, embarking on a beautiful trip. Why not?! And so the celebration begins.

This trip began so long ago for me... in my childhood, really. It became a possibility after I lost yet another family member, then an actuality when everything aligned to make it happen. Gazing at my beloved daughter, savoring my delicious breakfast, my mind wanders to the past.

My father was the only one in my family with whom I ever felt truly connected. We had very similar temperaments and sensibilities. We enjoyed many of the same things, including this crazy idea to go to Alaska. While everyone was planning around Europe and the Caribbean, we were dreaming about glaciers and the final frontier. His death ended that dream and began the eventual disintegration of my family - divorce from my husband, death of my brother, destruction of my mother.

And now that it's just my daughter and I, the dream is reborn. My two favorite people, although never having met each other, brought me to this place, decadent pancakes and all. I savor each mouthful, growing excited about what is to come.

My pancake and iceberg reverie is interrupted only by the constant impulse to look up. Across the diner, directly in my sight line, is a family- mother, father and 2 young boys. I had noticed them while waiting for a table, partly for their ordinariness and partly for their unhappiness. They appeared so much like me and my community, yet their mask of normalcy could barely conceal something so pained and miserable I could barely watch. And yet I was compelled to keep witnessing their experience.

They never looked at each other, and spoke only when necessary. "Pass the salt", "Use your fork", they would mutter. I told myself that this examination was my 'therapist' self at work. It was actually much more personal than that. They so strongly caught my attention because they were me. This was the road I had been on -  to having 'everything' and nothing at the same time. I was so sad at the thought of the trip they were taking, probably their family summer vacation. It reminded me of my own joyless excursions, as a child and in my marriage.

I could rationalize that maybe they had just had a tough morning, but the lines and form of the wife's face told me she had been wearing this mask for some time. I touched my face, looking for the same indicators, but could not find them. Perhaps I was not them. I felt each of the events of my life as poignantly as being thrown off the side of the road. None of it was planned or wanted. But each time I got thrown off made it more and more difficult to get back on the same path. Maybe the truth is I couldn't even see that road anymore and had to find another. Either way, I ended up here, with my sweet baby girl.

For a long time, I was so angry with my father for dying. For leaving me with a mother and brother I could not handle, a husband I didn't want, and a new baby for whom I didn't know to care. And then it was nearly all gone, just like I asked for. I had to admit it was all for the best as I gaze upon the unhappy family in the diner. I want to tell them that living through what they might think is the worst thing ever might actually bring the joy back into their lives. I want to tell them that I lost nearly everything and found myself. I want them to laugh with their children and take impossible trips. I want to share with them how beautiful it is to be full of love and peanut butter banana pancakes.