Wow. It was a bit of an ordeal getting here, but it surely has been magical. The air travel went flawlessly. Although it was a relatively full plane, my neighbors were quiet and kind. I have to say I did feel challenged during several moments of the 3.5 hour bus trip to the beach, but I neither had to pee on the side of the road (as did many of my fellow travelers) or throw up. I consider that quite an accomplishment.

Whenever I come to a tropical location, it stirs this sadness in me about Haiti. My memories are so faded at this point, but I rationally understand that this is what Haiti would probably look like. I travel to all these locations and yet cannot go home. Being here gives me a sense of what it must have been like for my family living in this simple, connected, easy way. Most likely it did not feel simple at the time, but I know they look back and feel it was. I cannot help but ask – where is home and how do I get there?

It has been raining continuously. We got a sneak peek at sunshine for a short time after our arrival, and then down it came. (If we were in the US, I would have formulated some intricate weather-manipulation scheme by the government.) The rain is strangely comforting – similar to the feeling I had in NJ during all the storms. I am feeling the desire to be washed free of many things. Just as the rain clears the air, I am hoping it will cleanse me of my lingering toxicities. Just as the rain feeds the earth, I am looking for nourishment and replenishment of my reservoirs.

I have done so much work on personal improvement over the past 2 years, part of me feels that I should be ‘cured’. But I feel sometimes that I am even worse off. That a light has now been shined on all these issues that I so carefully buried locked away and refused to acknowledge. (Of course being surrounded by 26 health counselors who don’t let you get away with ANYTHIING also helps.)

So, here I sit in the lovely home I am renting, at 3am typing away at my computer. Perhaps trying to re-orient myself by engaging in ‘civilization’. I feel the draw to the water. I feel the draw to have moments of deep connection. I feel those urges to let loose and FEEL.

There is certainly comfort (ok, maybe just short term) in our illusions. To not know (or really, pretend to not know) is safe and easy. I find the situation of knowing, and still not doing, to be the most reprehensible. It is something I beat myself up about constantly. I work through my insecurity about fully implementing my learning, and constantly try to stave off the feelings that there is so much more to do. But on the bright side, I did start the day off bright and early.