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I awoke to a beautiful Nevada sunrise. I'm sure there was hustle and bustle in the casino downstairs, but up in my room there was golden light and stillness. Through my window I could see the distant hills, the expanse of desert and infinite, clear sky. What a wonderful life.
This supported my decision to take it easy last night. I woke up a new person, ready to get the most of this conference. My morning classes were amazing, and brought me fully back in my body. I’ve also reconciled my earlier disappointment with my fellow yogis. It is a recurring lesson for me that a spiritual practice does not mean a spiritual life and great behavior. Conversely, it is such a blessing to find gods and goddesses all around, sometimes in the most unlikely places. I feel supremely grateful.
As part of the vendor show, an Indian man was offering Vedic palm, numerology and psychic readings. I do believe in these mystical powers, and also have a strong skepticism as I think most practitioners are phonies. I recently had my first encounter with a highly recommended psychic and was blown away. She was able to explain so many facets of my life that did not make sense. She also gave me some great insight about my current situation and future direction. It was one of the most worthwhile experiences I have ever had.
So, now that I'm a pro at this psychic thing, I decided to give this gentleman a try. He started with numerology, then a palm reading. I was careful to not give away any information about myself or my life, and yet he was able to describe my personality, talents and struggles. Pretty good, I thought. In general I got very good news about the future in terms of my business and family. I couldn't help but laugh when he described me as willful and obstinate, with the ability to be outrageous. (What!!! Who me???)
Seriously, it was all very positive and very powerful. My favorite part was when he called me a Warrior Sage Goddess! (And I didn't even have to pay extra for that.) Apparently, I was also either Abraham Lincoln, or had a relationship with him. Very interesting...
The only disappointment was the psychic reading which was disjointed and unclear. Perhaps I just need to wait and see... |
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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Well, I was right about needing some rest. And wrong about going out anyway. After 2 challenging classes, the first with one of my favorite teachers, Rusty Wells, my body was done. (If you’re ever in San Francisco, you MUST go take his class. You and 100 of his adoring fans will sweat, sing and bring your body to places unimagined. And your heart will float in a warm pool of gooey love. It is pure bliss!) Although I felt spent halfway through the first class, not wanting to miss any part of this great opportunity, I persevered. (Note to self: no more late nights at the hot bars.)
I decided to try a short nap after lunch, before the last class of the day. Instead I was lured into my fabulous hotel bathtub, and missed class altogether. (Bad yogi. I missed Rusty's class, called Crumble, where he really goes for it, and you better be in top form.) I was definitely feeling crumbled, crushed and on the verge of collapse.
Although I felt guilty for wasting a chance at some great yoga, my afternoon blossomed beautifully. The bath really did hit the spot. I then spent the evening with my yoga community, watching an amazing demonstration by Shiva Rea, yogini extraordinaire, and singing with Steve Ross, a yogi and musician whose work I’ve always admired. The buzzing night life called to me, but I took a rain check. A good night’s sleep was sorely needed.
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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The conference is off to a slow start for me. Today, I chose to do a full day workshop on the business of yoga. I am so used to continuous movement during these events that it felt very strange to just sit and talk all day. My body really wanted to move. Some of the information was useful, some not so much. I find that I am often the most highly experienced person in the bunch, and have to fight the frustration of wanting more. It is a constant lesson to accept people where they are. The constant thoughts, "You are a yoga teacher! You should know this!" filled my head, usually about others, sometimes about myself. Just a reminder that no matter how advanced we are, there is always more work to be done.
I'm glad I'm here regardless. Tomorrow, I get to spend with some of my most beloved teachers, who will likely kick my butt. A day of rest was probably the best thing for me.
But then again, that cool purple bar in the middle of the casino was so much fun. Here we go!! |
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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I wake up sniffly. The bone dry air, and over air-conditioned rooms, are wreaking havoc with my sinuses. Not unusual for me, but still annoying. I travel down to the main section of the resort, amused by the enthusiasts still at the gambling tables at 6am. I choose The Original House of Pancakes as my breakfast destination. It has won numerous awards, famous for its baked apple pancake, which I order. This is not your typical fluffy pancakes covered with sautéed apples. Picture this: take a deep dish apple pie filled mostly with batter. Turn it over onto a large dinner plate. Serve. All of it.
This may have been the largest plate of food I have ever been served. I'm a good eater, but even my most valiant attempt made it through a small fraction of this thing. It was absolutely delicious, and would have fed my entire extended family easily. Might have one again tomorrow...
As I try to locate the registration area for the conference, I start to meet several of my yoga community members. Everyone is lost, confused, tired and grumpy. The stark difference in attitudes is shocking.
Yes, I am always surprised to run across mean, petty, dishonest yoga people. Then of course I have to turn the spotlight on myself and all those instances where those words could have easily described me. But I so want it to be different. I want pure spirits, kind hearts and open minds to be all that I see. Maybe I'll hang out with my Vegas friends tonight...
My sniffles caused me to use a huge amount of tissues. Nearly a whole box. When I returned back to my room after lunch, I noticed that the cleaning people had left several extra boxes of tissues for me. I just continue to be amazed at this level of service, and consciousness, really. I have stayed in many of the nicest hotels in the world, often with these very same sniffles. I have NEVER been provided with extra tissues before, even when I've emptied an entire box. The mysteries of Las Vegas continue to impress me. |
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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I have arrived. The resort, Green Valley Ranch, is absolutely magnificent, suitably removed from the main strip of casinos, but flanked by an assortment of restaurants and shops, including Whole Foods Market. I feel at home. I start to sense that I have been mistakenly identified as a VIP. Although I am dressed in my typical travel gear - track suit, messy ponytail, and Vegan sport shoes (which are highly cute, if not by Vegas standards) - I am surrounded by beautiful, smiling people wanting to cater to my every need. (Did I mention I LOVE this place?!) The young man behind the desk raises his eyebrows as he tells me my room number. Apparently, it's a highly coveted location, typically only available by pre-arrangement. I am as surprised as he is, and when I arrive there, I understand what he meant. In a corner on the top floor of one of their towers, it offers an unbelievable view of the grounds and Las Vegas. I am certain it is much larger than many places I've lived.
Later on, as I am wandering around the property, I ask an older man in a dark suit for some directions. His Secret Service demeanor immediately dissolves as he takes my arm and happily walks me to my location. Finding out I have never been to their resort, he proceeds to give me a walking tour of the entire property, replete with 'insider' tips on best gambling tables, places to eat and hot spots. I keep trying to let him off the hook of having to be my personal tour guide, but he insists that I am the sole reason he has this job, and helping me is the highlight of his day. It leaves me speechless.
I decide to drop by one of the recommended hot spots for a drink. I'm still in my schlumpy travel gear, as un-glamorous as one can get. And probably looking more than a little bedraggled from my long day of traveling. Instead of the questioning looks I might have received entering a bar in any major city, I am embraced warmly. The sweet young woman who serves my drink couldn't be more accommodating. The group around the bar takes me into their conversations. They even decide that I need to learn how to play Poker, so they teach me. It was fine, but I think I disappointed them by not immediately falling in love with the whole gambling thing.
By the time I headed back to my room, my head was spinning. Not just from the long day and the drinks, but trying to figure out how the energy of a place like this works. It clearly does not represent pure living in the terms defined by my spiritual, holistic community. However, it felt good. I was happy, others were happy (and not that sickly sweet Disney happy that you know covers up seething anger and resentment). How does this work? Is it just a very well constructed facade? I start to feel silly and naive. But I can't shake the smile on my face, which is greeted by so many others as I pass.
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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I am on my way to Las Vegas for a yoga conference. No, there were no typos in that previous sentence. The worlds of yoga and decadence will be meeting over the course of 4 interesting days. Outcome to be determined.
OK, it’s my dirty little secret. I LOVE Vegas!! I really do. (Even my daughter was conceived there, which you might consider too much information.) I have absolutely no interest in gambling and pass through the casinos only because I have to. (It's designed that way.) But something about that city just oozes fun for me. I love the fabulous restaurants, like having every major culinary city in the world distilled to a 1 mile strip. The shopping is stupendous, (and here I do exercise restraint) and I love Cirque du Soleil, which has a handful of phenomenal shows constantly running. I am amazed that the city even exists - including a major body of water created in the middle of a desert, unbelievable replicas of so many wonders of the world, and the draw to remain appealing to millions of visitors every year. There exists some of the best people watching I have ever experienced and the weather is my favorite - hot, dry, yummm.
Usually my experience with yoga conferences does not include much time for exploration of the host city. 8-10 hours of yoga/day leave one a bit petered out for intense sightseeing. But I wonder if the draw of Vegas will have me donning a little dress, big shoes and making my way to the big fun. This particular conference, The Art of Vinyasa, is located at a beautiful resort off the main strip. I am trying to envision a tranquil landscape and serene spa feeling. But all I'm seeing is the mini Eiffel Tower, the fountains at the Bellagio and lots of see-through clothing.
The city shines outside my airplane window, inviting me in as powerfully as a personally engraved invitation. I feel like this journey now represents the human dichotomy. How do we reconcile the good and the bad, the pure and the sexy, consciousness and neon? I don't really feel guilt about having these aspects co-habiting my body. It is my truth. Perhaps everyone's truth. But it does feel odd, and certainly something that requires explanation from time to time. (I'm not quite sure if my students and clients found this information about me refreshing or frightening!) I am enjoying the thought process, looking forward to some great yoga and glad I packed that dress. The one I could never wear anywhere else.
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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Wow. It was a bit of an ordeal getting here, but it surely has been magical. The air travel went flawlessly. Although it was a relatively full plane, my neighbors were quiet and kind. I have to say I did feel challenged during several moments of the 3.5 hour bus trip to the beach, but I neither had to pee on the side of the road (as did many of my fellow travelers) or throw up. I consider that quite an accomplishment.
Whenever I come to a tropical location, it stirs this sadness in me about Haiti. My memories are so faded at this point, but I rationally understand that this is what Haiti would probably look like. I travel to all these locations and yet cannot go home. Being here gives me a sense of what it must have been like for my family living in this simple, connected, easy way. Most likely it did not feel simple at the time, but I know they look back and feel it was. I cannot help but ask – where is home and how do I get there?
It has been raining continuously. We got a sneak peek at sunshine for a short time after our arrival, and then down it came. (If we were in the US, I would have formulated some intricate weather-manipulation scheme by the government.) The rain is strangely comforting – similar to the feeling I had in NJ during all the storms. I am feeling the desire to be washed free of many things. Just as the rain clears the air, I am hoping it will cleanse me of my lingering toxicities. Just as the rain feeds the earth, I am looking for nourishment and replenishment of my reservoirs.
I have done so much work on personal improvement over the past 2 years, part of me feels that I should be ‘cured’. But I feel sometimes that I am even worse off. That a light has now been shined on all these issues that I so carefully buried locked away and refused to acknowledge. (Of course being surrounded by 26 health counselors who don’t let you get away with ANYTHIING also helps.)
So, here I sit in the lovely home I am renting, at 3am typing away at my computer. Perhaps trying to re-orient myself by engaging in ‘civilization’. I feel the draw to the water. I feel the draw to have moments of deep connection. I feel those urges to let loose and FEEL.
There is certainly comfort (ok, maybe just short term) in our illusions. To not know (or really, pretend to not know) is safe and easy. I find the situation of knowing, and still not doing, to be the most reprehensible. It is something I beat myself up about constantly. I work through my insecurity about fully implementing my learning, and constantly try to stave off the feelings that there is so much more to do. But on the bright side, I did start the day off bright and early.
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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I've spent the past 3 days attending the Landmark Education Advanced Course (landmarkeducation.com), the follow-up to the Landmark Forum. It is a workshop to empower you to "Live life powerfully and live a life you love." Pretty big stuff.
And it actually pans out. Although I had been resisting the suggestion of my participation for a long time (years?), it has been quite helpful. It's part of my 'know-it-all' act that led me to claim I didn't need this type of coaching. But it's all an act, really. And that's what Landmark does - uncover all your phony baloney so you can move forward with the process of having a kick-ass life.
It's working. I did not fully let my guard down for the Landmark Forum course I took in June, but this one was different. I feel myself softening and starting to let go of some of the thoughts and behaviors I've been hanging onto like a life-raft. Except that the life-raft was attached to a lead weight that was just pulling me down and under. So I realized the fear, and was able to let go, only to find myself afloat. Wow!
I was able to accomplish something that had previously filled me with terror. Yes, a grown woman scared like a child. Embarrassing really, when you think about it. But anyway, I felt the fear and did it anyway. Part of me feels relieved, part of me is a bit incredulous that it actually happened.
Inspired by this experience, I committed to continuing with the next step in this education, a course called the Self-Expression and Leadership Program. It is designed to help you use the tools you've gained in authenticity, integrity and community-building to create something that expresses who you are in the world. Scary, exciting, formidable.
I am feeling the slight challenge of being home again, however. After 3 days and more than 40 hours of immersion in the world of clear communication, self-reflection and transformation, it is traumatic to return to dirty dishes, bounced checks and people acting how people act. Trying not to constantly react with the need to fix everything and everyone is my challenge. When one considers oneself broken the natural reaction is to fix others. How ridiculous is that!!
I have glimpsed the other side, not only through these courses, but through my yoga practice and my work with clients. Sometimes true connection with another person can demonstrate to you your own perfection, and through that, our universal perfection. It's not a matter of superiority. In fact, it's the understanding that no one is better, and also no one is worse. We are truly all one. I love how that works.
For whatever reason, this level of connection has always been hard for me. I would much rather be on a stage in front of thousands of people than looking into the eyes of just one. But that is my work, and that's why I am now on the path that forces me to feel and examine that response. During this weekend, after an exercise where we were forced to just be with another person, eye-to-eye, for what felt like an eternity (ok, probably just a few minutes) it became crystal clear that seeing someone automatically translates to love. We are all so used to assessing people, and not seeing them (lest they might actually see us!) that we block ourselves from connection. I should probably just speak for myself here, instead of trying to dilute it with the general 'we'. And I should probably stop saying should. Darn!
Anyway, I feel better prepared to handle life, while at the same time creating something blissfully authentic. I looked into the eyes of the tiger and learned that he is in me and I am in him. My life is purely mine for the making. |
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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OK, I know a 2.5 month hiatus from my blog is a bit crazy. And I don't really have a good excuse, like I was having extensive brain and finger surgeries. No, just the crazy wildness of life, the constant shift of priorities and just plain neglect. I hate to be the person who does not complete what she's started, but sometimes it happens. I hear so often how detrimental it is to have incompleteness in your life. I agree completely (no pun intended), yet I look around and can name too may unfinished items. There's the flooring piece I never ordered so that the flooring people could complete the job, there are the emails I needed to 'sit on' for a while, the hundreds of books I needed to read 'right away!', and of course my doctoral studies. Oh yeah, did I mention the book I'm writing??!!!
So, yes, the list is long. Hello dysfunction! Nearly everyday I discover some other facet of human-ness that is fairly non-functional. We all know we feel better when we complete projects, keep our word, and see commitments to the end. And yet we don't. I can get really bogged down in trying to figure out odd human behaviors. It is what I do. But the universal question of why did we evolve to so easily fall into habits/patterns/behaviors that clearly do not serve us remains unanswered.
I find great success in behavior modification with my clients, whether it's releasing ourselves from sugar addiction, learning to communicate with the challenging people in our lives or finding greater fulfillment in our endeavors. It's all about adopting a new mind-set and then taking action based on that clearer understanding. But, gosh, I would still like to know why it's so easy to adopt the not-so-great habits!! (And then, of course, why it's so easy to drop those good habits like hot coals.)
Having just returned from a fantastic weekend at Kripalu (kripalu.org), I do feel refreshed and able to take a stab at some items on my 'to-do' list that have been pushed down to the bottom for too long. I ended up spending a large part of the weekend in seated meditation, which brought so much clarity. I don't anticipate that I will ever live (or be satisfied with) an easy life. I like it a bit challenging with a good dose of crazy thrown in. I think it makes me better able to handle the issues of my clients. So, my job is to keep a handle on this rapidly boiling stew without burning myself.
When I find these moments of peace - in meditation, yoga practice, or just snuggling my daughter - it feeds me the energy I need to continue, but also helps to cut the haze so I can see what to do much more clearly. And sometimes that seeing means - "Get those half-done projects all done, sweety!! Stop putting off that hard decision or conversation." I know that things don't magically get done (or disappear) through ignoring them. But gosh, wouldn't it be nice...
The other insight I would like to share with you is the power of compassion, which can be used towards oneself as well as towards others. This means giving people (read: you) a break when you notice mistakes. It means approaching yourself with love and understanding about those things that bug you. Maybe even taking some time to investigate the root causes of resisting the actions that you know will have positive impact on your life. OK, sometimes tough love is needed, but that means something completely different than the barrage of insults we usually offer to ourselves. And love/compassion have this funny quality. When you start feeling either of them, they tend to expand. Which means the compassion you start to feel for yourself magically begins to envelope your loved ones (and not-so-loved ones). Soon, the energy of your own personal love factory touches all beings. Sounds like a big jump? Just try it. Think it's too hard or doesn't work? Call me...
By the way, if you're wondering how the rest of my cleanse went, by the second week I was rockin' and rollin'. I completed over 30 days, and felt great. I made a vow to do 1 week of cleansing every month this summer to maintain that juicy feeling. I would love to have some of you join me in the fall or next spring for the next cleanse group. I have to say everyone did really well, and are enjoying their light, happy summer bodies.
Actually, formal cleanse not even necessary. I am available year-round for personal and small group coaching. It can make a huge difference. Really.
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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It is the morning of my 41st birthday. Very anti-climactic, especially compared to the extravaganza on my 40th..
Although I had a wonderful night before, staying in a local hotel with my group of girlfriends, I now feel oddly sad. This feeling is not unusual for me, I suppose. So much of life is anti-climactic and disappointing. Perhaps that is why we strive for that union with spirit.
So often I am lifted by my practice, and supported by my faith, but diring times like today i realize how far I am from true self-realization. I don't imagine that being there looks like constant bouncy happiness, but I do imagine the 'hard' times are less angst-ridden.
This morning I am certainly not feeling any divinity as I plodge around the disastrously messy hotel room, cleaning up bottles, glasses, containers of food, trying not to wake up my still sleepy friends. If there were more space I would do an asana practice, but I can't even clear out a few feet. I thought about meditating, but I feel resistant. Maybe the first signs of a hangover coming on??
So I write. With a cute blue pen on hotel stationery (no computer with me). I think about the travelers who came through here, stayed in this room, and wrote letters to their loved ones. I write a letter to no one. Or maybe it's to myself?
Who actually listens to my musings? Where does change start - from a thought or someone hearling that thought? When I figure something out, where does that come from? Maybe I'm just getting philosophical in my old age. |
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| Posted by Pascale Kavanagh at | | | |
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